The absence of fathers in South Africa is one of the critical epidemics of our time. The number of children growing up without a biological father in their lives is among the highest in the world and has severe and far-reaching ramifications. Without present, engaged and supportive fathers, rates of substance abuse, mental health conditions, teenage pregnancies and gender-based violence soar. The social fabric of families and communities begins to unravel.
But you donât necessarily need to be a biological father in order to play a fathering role and provide the benefits that fathering affords. More and more, social fathers are stepping into the gaps left by absent biological fathers giving children and teenagers the guidance and encouragement they need to thrive and succeed.
Through the organisation I run, Isiseko Imara, Iâve been working as a sports coach and social father to children, especially boys, in seven communities in KwaZulu-Natal for the last 14 years. The experience has been nothing short of transformational.
What social fathering means to me
Social fathering goes beyond mentoring. Itâs about choosing â intentionally and consistently â to play a fathering role in a childâs life. To be physically present and emotionally supportive. To be curious about their interests and invested in their well-being. To show up for things that are important to them. To listen to them, challenge them, and help them know themselves.
Many of the young boys I work with are growing up with single mothers or grandmothers. They have very few men or male role models in their lives. Often, the men who do exist demonstrate toxic and destructive behaviours that the boys run the risk of learning from, imitating and repeating. As a social father, my responsibility is to dismantle these trajectories, to provide safety and security, and to give them direction.
I know there are men who prey on children â and that is something we condemn without reservation. As social fathers and men in this country, we are responsible for protecting children, and for keeping them away from abusers.
In 2010, I facilitated our first Boys 2 Men camp, where we educated young boys on the journey into manhood. Of that group, 75% didnât have fathers. It was at Boys 2 Men that I met Thando Mzimande, who was just 10 years old at the time. Thando went on to join my basketball team and we started to get to know each other, not just as basketball players, but as friends, and over time, as father and son. Thando taught me how hungry boys are for father figures in their lives, and what a positive impact playing this role can have.
âGeorge was there for me physically and emotionally,â Thando says. âHe paid attention to the clothes I was wearing and my situation at home. He saw how angry I was because I didnât have a father. And he supported me and cared for me, so much so that he prevented me from falling into dangerous situations, like getting into drugs or dropping out of school.â
Today, Thando is a confident young man. Heâs started his own basketball programme, recruiting coaches and engaging with 60 young people. Heâs paying his experience forward, and we remain close friends.
Becoming a social father
I know that I share my approach with other social fathers. Nkosinathi Sixabayi, the Western Cape Lead of Fathers Matter, is both a biological and social father, and had several social fathers in his own life growing up. âThose who invested in my life provided guidance and helped me become the best I could be,â Nkosinathi explains.
Today, Nkosinathi has committed himself to investing in other children who are not his own because it was modelled to him. âMany call me their father because of the love and care I give to them,â he continues. âSocial fathers can make a difference in childrenâs lives and have a role to play in helping to address and prevent gender-based-violence.â
If your contribution as a social father is going to be meaningful and effective, it must be a conscious and deliberate act. And it must be consistent. Be reliable and donât create expectations you canât meet. The children you are likely to work with have had adults â and especially men â let them down in such profound ways, that their trust is fragile. You have a responsibility to keep your promises.
That said, young people arenât looking for father figures who are perfect. You simply have to be available, honest, and show an interest in getting to know them. If you have the opportunity to guide, support and raise a child, do so gently, lovingly, consistently and patiently. The benefits for them, for you, and for South Africaâs families and communities are beyond what you can imagine.
If youâre looking for support and tips on being a good father, or social father, you can contact Heartlinesâ Fathers Matter WhatsApp Coach. Simply WhatsApp âHiâ to 060Â 058Â 2107 and get access to a range of tips and advice.
George Mwaura is the Director of the non-profit organisation Isiseko Imara and a Heartlines Fathers Matter ambassador.
